Familyis an institution formed by bonds of love and symbolizing unity and solidarity. No person enters into a marriage dreaming that they will get divorced. However, in some cases, couples think that they cannot continue their marriage and decide to divorce. However, parents may be worried about the condition of their children, and this worry brings with it many questions. The first of these questions is 'Staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children or getting a divorce?' it could be. Some families prefer to continue their marriage just to prevent their children from being upset. However, as in every marriage that goes bad, there is an uneasy atmosphere in these houses. Even if there is no argument in front of the children, the feeling of unhappiness of the mother and father is reflected in the children, and this situation is likely to make them unhappy, too. In this path taken to make children happy, the result will most likely be disappointment.
Parents must first have clarity that they do not want to be together. It is an important point not to make any explanations to children without being sure. If they are sure of their decision, the situation of the children should be discussed between the couple, then the children should be informed about the issue in age-appropriate ways and their concerns should be resolved.
The reactions and feelings of children in different age groups may also differ. While children up to the age of 8 feel sadness, it can be seen that anger is more dominant after the age of 8. However, anxiety arising from the uncertainty of the situation is present in every age group. Children can often tend to blame themselves for the situation, so they should be made to feel that the responsibility is not on them.
Children need to be informed about where they will stay, how often they will be able to see their parents, and what will change in their lives. For families with more than one child, it may be recommended that siblings stay together and support each other. Apart from this, if there is a pet in the house, the child who bonds with it may also have concerns about it. There will be a need for clarification on this issue as well. Giving this information to the child will comfort him and help alleviate his concerns.
Foot note: Dialogues that may occur are added to the end of the article as examples on the subject, and you can adapt them to your own lifestyle.
Explaining Divorce to Children and Things to Consider
When it comes to children, post-divorce behavior is as important as how the divorce is explained. Things to consider after divorce:
- The tension that exists between mother and father as a natural consequence of divorce should not be reflected on children. For this reason, the mother or father should not make any insinuations that would denigrate the other party in the presence of the child, and the image of the mother/father in the child's mind should not be damaged.
- After the divorce, the child should not be used as a punishment for the ex-spouse and support should be continued.
- The child is not a means of communication born to carry information from mother to father or from father to mother. Therefore, when communication is necessary, it should be done outside of children.
- Even if parents are divorced, they should make a joint decision on matters related to children and be determined in their implementation.
- It is important to follow the schedule set before the divorce and maintain clarity. In this way, children will adapt to the situation more easily.
- A child who misses his/her parents enjoys doing any activity with them. For this reason, excessive gifts and rewards should not be used to please children after divorce.
- If one of the spouses feels bad about the situation, they should not hide their feelings and express them without using exaggeration. It should also be noted that these feelings are natural as you try to get used to the process.
- If someone enters the mother/father's life after the divorce and they are sure that this is serious, only then should this person be introduced to the child, and the child should not be subjected to a permanent loss.
- The definition of the person involved in the post-divorce life is defined by the mother/father as the new sweet father etc. It should not be defined as such; the child should be addressed in a way that makes him or her comfortable within a framework of respect.
How Can Children Adjust to Divorce?
If the divorce is made by complying with all these conditions, adapting to the new situation instead of growing up in arguments and fights will create a healthier situation for the child.
- Questions that may arise in the child's mind and dialogues that may occur after the mother and father say that they are getting divorced:
- What does father/mother divorce mean?
It means that a married couple who cannot be happy and get along in their relationship separates and now lives in separate houses.
- Are you unhappy and leaving because of me?
No. You always make us happy, this is just a situation between parents.
- What will I be now, where will I stay?
You will be with your mother during the week and with me on the weekend. (Explain the situation in clear and understandable terms, based on your own circumstances.)
- This means I'll see less of you or my mother. Will your love decrease when you see me less?
No, we will always love you very much, and since we will miss each other a little, we will do lots of fun activities and have more fun.
- So will I be able to see you whenever I want?
Yes, you can call me whenever you want, we can video chat. If your mother (or father) is available, I can come and pick you up.
- I understand, but where will I sleep when I stay with you?
You will have a room and a bed in both houses. (Explain clearly based on your own circumstances.)
- But how will I sleep without Bobo (sleeping buddy)?
If you want, we can get a new sleeping buddy for you here, or you can bring Bobo every time you come. Whichever you prefer.
- Will I never see you two side by side again?
We will both be there for you on your special days, just like every parent does.
English 
Turkish 
French